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Saturday, 31 December, 2011

2011 has not been the best year for me, or for many of my friends. Quite frankly, I’m quite happy to see the back end of it.  Many factors have played a role in my dislike of the past year. The economy has truly taken its toll on the area in which I live and the government’s efforts to inject life seem to be met with a rather deflated result, despite hugely inflated pomp and ceremony.
I have witnessed the passing of 2 friends this year, as lost a great many people from my life whom I cared about. Cancer took from me a childhood friend, and another was taken by diabetes. Still another friend has just had his right leg amputated because of complications of diabetes and HIV, and 2 people I spend time with have just both fought testicular cancer, both of whom have had to have testicle removed.
For myself, I personally lost someone I cared a great deal about, and still struggle daily dealing with the emotions surrounding that loss, although its getting better. I am truly finding it hard not to be bitter and hateful, which is against my nature. Instead I’ve decided to simply hurt quietly, and am still seriously considering stopping blogging here at all. I get angry at myself for allowing one persons actions, words and attitude to make me alter my view of people as a whole and question my own self-worth, but its pretty hard for me not to.
2011 will be no great loss to me time-wise.  I’m happy to see the end of it.
2012 is going to be better. I am already working on my New Year’s resolution: separating the “wheat from the chaff” in my life. Spending less time with those who seek to use me or do me harm, or are not genuine or upfront in their intentions. I have set myself the goal of moving, and only a select few right now are privy to the exact location I have chosen.  It is not in the Americas, let me just say.
Perhaps knowing that will ensure that those who say they will or wish to visit me will make greater efforts in 2012 to do so. Now would be a good time to get on those plans if you have them.
Personally the events of 2011 have beaten me down, and I intend to improve upon myself and my own self-worth in 2012. Watch out, World, I have no intention of letting any nay-sayers or negative people stand in my way in the process. If you don’t like what I say or do or you wanna nitpick and find negative things about me to harp on – that’s your choice, I don’t care – so go do it elsewhere.
To those who do take the time to read these seemingly endless ramblings, I thank you for putting up with my blogging, sporadic as it may have been, over this last year. And for those who take the time and effort to write to me personally – THANK YOU. Your words of encouragement are very much appreciated. I wish all my readers and supporters a very pleasant, prosperous, successful, happy, love-filled, peaceful, kinky, and fun 2012.

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Firstly, please take a moment to read and help, if you can on the new HELP OTHERS IN OUR COMMUNITY page. Currently one person in serious need of URGENT help. If you know someone in need, please LET ME KNOW and we can have their need listed.

Someone emailed asking "What happened to your friend with the cancer? his page has been removed". Answer: James and I no longer speak, and through a mutual friend I was told to remove the page so I have. I wish him luck.

Question: Where are you thinking of moving to? That, for now is not up for discussion.

Tuesday, 27 December, 2011

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Season’s Greetings, Or whatever you celebrate, and a Very Happy, prosperous, New year to all of you. I hope that 2012 brings you all much happiness, and success in all your endeavours.
In some respects, I guess I have to admit that 2011 has not been my best year ever. In fact, it may have turned into my worst. That’s not to say everything that has happened is negative – some really good things have happened this year too. So let me piece this together.
Ive had some extreme highs this year. And regaining my independence had had much to do with that. Ive enjoyed being single and simply being myself without concerning myself over what other expect from me. I have pushed my own boundaries and explored some, and also met some people who have had impact on my day to day life. Some very positive – some not so much.
I also fell deeply in love with someone who truly broke my heart – and broke a part of me which I don’t know if I will ever fully recover from.  The pain of that shows its ugly head almost daily.  It’s the indirect effect on me which is hardest to deal with. My own feelings of low self-esteem  have been truly magnified by the break up, the way it was handled and the loss of companionship and friendship from this person. This negative has strongly overshadowed much of the positive in my mind from this year.
Certainly career-wise there has been some good progress from an artistic level, albeit not from a financial one. This area is simply not focused much on the arts, and that seems to weigh strongly against me. I’m at a point where I am re-assessing my position and seeking an answer. This has led to a number of possibilities which are working their way around my head.
One which is most strong is the possibility of moving. Not nearby, or even within the same country. I’m trying to find a place I think I will fit into. Perhaps it’s just my geographic location – but I feel pretty isolated when it comes to friends, sex, kink and career.  This could be partially because  moving to Canada wasn’t exactly my idea at the time – and without giving away too much personal information on the net – perhaps I now need to start doing things for myself and my own happiness. Ive been here 11 years and can barely count my friends locally on one hand.
So I’m exploring the possibility of moving somewhere where I have always wanted to go – and looking at how to achieve this. There are already people in this country whom I like, get on very VERY well with, and already feel like moving there would provide me with an “instant” social structure, friendships etc. Of course, work would be the biggest draw, as the cultural scene is far more active than it is anywhere I have found in Canada. So that is a definite possibility.
Over all, change is due and change is coming – even if I have to force it. I’m tired of living for others and not taking care of myself. My recent experiences have taught me that not only do nice guys end last, but they get taken advantage of, and abused and hurt and then left to pick up their own pieces. I don’t know if there is such a thing as a Mr Right for me – heaven knows right now I don’t think so – that may change – I don’t know. At the moment Id even settle for Mr Right Now.
So 2012 will be a year of change – hopefully for the better personally, professionally and emotionally. I may even consider changing my webpage – or deleting it completely – I’m sure right at the minute. But lots to consider and work upon in a lot of avenues. My wish for your health, happiness and prosperity remains.
Happy New Year

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Thursday, 22 December, 2011

Wounded bears are the most dangerous. And you know I don’t mean wild animals here. I predominantly identify with the bear “personality” as it were – and when I am wounded, particularly emotionally, I am dangerous. Not just to others, but perhaps to myself. Events of recent months have proved this again and again.
Hurt me, or back me into a corner, and you are bound to get snarled at, attacked, bitten and beaten with every possible weapon I possess. If you follow my blog, you have seen this happen on occasion.  Some people take offense to it, even when they have provoked the response. Ive tried in the past to just walk away and “cool off” but sometimes that doesn’t work or doesn’t help. I come back angrier and more vicious than I was when I left.
Today was one such day where I was unwittingly provoked by someone. It wasn’t their fault, per se, but it was a particularly touchy subject with me. And It shouldn’t have affected me like it did. And then they tried to get me to calm down – which didn’t help. I stormed to my car and drove like a maniac yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs the whole way to my destination, and was an utter bastard to everyone I interacted with.
Hours later when I returned, I was still angry. Angrier even when no apology was offered and no further discussion ensued with the person in question. That was unfair – on both our sides. I shouldn’t have been so hurt and yet I was. And still angry. And so another friend managed to calm me down and talk me through why I was so angry – why I was so wounded.
It seems that every time I think I have my recent heart-break licked, that I am OK and I am “moving on” something occurs which is like cold steel skewering my already damaged heart and tearing it apart.  The wound bleeds – and it bleeds out everything which has occurred, and causes anger, frustration and hurt and blocks and hides any of the progress I have made, albeit temporarily, out of my heartache.
I feel I want to scream and yell and beat something to smithereens, and just rid myself of my frustration somehow. It took a very steady hand earlier today to help me calm down. I’m still not 100% there but I’m 80% better than I was.  I need to find a way not to be so hurt all the time. Perhaps I just need more positive than negative around me. Or perhaps I just need a huge change.

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Monday, 12 December, 2011

Another weekend has passed entire to quickly. Marking the anniversary of my Father’s passing, bringing great happiness with the successful opening of my show, and bringing the sad news that someone I used to care about is having to fight with cancer again. These three events leave me conflicted.
My Fathers passing was traumatic and unexpected when it happened. Being on the other side of the world, I was unable to travel home to say my last goodbyes. My Dad wouldn’t have wanted me to disrupt my life here to go back – but one is still left sometimes with a sense of no closure. The pain of the loss subsides, but we always keep those who have passed on close to our hearts.
The opening of my current show was met with great enjoyment and the stresses of getting it together have certainly faded some in memory, now that it’s running. It’s nice to hear people enjoy something one has created, and the positive feedback is always good.
Cancer is a scourge on society. It creeps in and takes a hold of those who don’t deserve it – often the ones one would never expect. One friend has just battled testicular cancer, and is dealing with the loss of possibly a second testicle. My most recent ex is now faced with another round of cancer. And this has truly left me conflicted in my heart.
My initial gut reaction was to reach out to him – despite the barrage of negativity we’ve endured as detailed in previous blog posts. Because I do care – I’m not a heartless cold prick. I hate that this has happened to him. I hate that cancer happens to anyone – and I can’t believe modern medicine has not yet found a cure which doesn’t cause a myriad of other side effects.
And so I’m conflicted, because I shouldn’t care anymore. He chose to no longer be a part of my life. He chose to walk away, completely. He chose the path he is on. And yet my heart is heavy with the knowledge that he has walked away from one person who would have, like others may, but perhaps more so, support and comfort, and listen and console and love him, unconditionally, without judgement.
I don’t yet if I will reach out to him. I can’t say for sure that I won’t or will. Someone said “this is a tragedy, yes, but its not YOUR tragedy to deal with” – and in some ways they are very right. But not showing I cared – and still do – feels wrong. It attacks the very moral fibre of who I am. And even if he doesn’t want to hear it, or doesn’t feel he needs it – I’d support him through this. I’m used to providing that support – I’m a natural care-giver. My previous LTR had that from me during his extended illnesses and injuries.
Physically, I can do nothing for him. Emotionally and mentally I can, that’s all I have to offer. And that offer would always remain open for him, but he probably won’t take it, which is, to me, a pity. At the end of the day, this isn’t about me – it’s about him. He is going through this, and he has made his bed and has to lie in it, so to speak. I guess for me, I’m just sad and hope he finds the support that I would give him from others.

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Wednesday, 7 December, 2011

Sometimes one wants to run away and just disappear. The reality is that isn’t possible – ultimately we would simply be left with regrets. That’s not to say that staying and pushing forward doesn’t leave one with regrets, I sure have my fair share, I guess many of us do.
Right now, I find myself in an emotional void.  Some may say it’s a depression – I don’t know that it’s that. I just find myself incapable of lifting my spirits like I used to be able to. Time has become a fog that has clouded memories and events into a blur.
A lot of this, I think, has to do with the community theatre I work with.  The last few shows I have simply felt like I am working harder and harder, doing more and more, with no reward, just more pressure and more expectations. This stressful (albeit sometimes ultimately rewarding) environment has had, in the past few years, a more and more negative impact on my life. Without fully assigning blame to it, it has certainly given me more physical injuries than I care to mention, most recently caused the demise of a relationship and friendship, lead to some major issues in others, and currently has robbed me of the joy which I used to find in theatre.
Perhaps it’s time to find another passion.  Let’s face facts though – I’m 40 now. This makes me less employable on its own, let alone trainable – even at an entry level job. And what would I do? I’m not a blue collar worker, I don’t have that in me. My resume is so varied, most “career counselors” cant’ quite figure out what to do with it, or how to advise…
I guess, without trying to sound negative – this may pass when the stress of this show is over – but right now – I’m angry and upset at what my passion has caused in my life. Sometimes its hard to rise above the stress and not let it affect you, in many ways. Perhaps I’m a “victim of circumstance”. Others may say I’m simply negative. The latter is not true. My history shows that. I have been through a great number of severe knocks in my life, and always bounced back and been the person people enjoy to have around.
Maybe I simply need to refocus my energies on those who can reciprocate and support when I need it – as I do with my friends. There’s an ebb and flow to ones emotional State – and sometimes when one is down, ones friends are our support, and other times we support them – regardless of their mindset or negativity. That’s what friendship is about - or a relationship - give and take. My last few endeavors into relationships have had a negative reaction during my periods of stress, particularly during my work in theatre. They’ve taken the wind from my sails, as it were, and at this moment, I feel adrift and directionless.
Perhaps a change is in order – or perhaps I need my ego stroked – or need someone to follow through on a meeting arrangement – I just don’t know at this point. Something has to give. Something has to go right for me sooner or later, doesn’t it?
This week marks the 5th year of my Dads passing too – and that is weighing on me - combined with the stress, and this emotional state – its gearing up for a stressful week. I guess at the end of the day, I’m not in a very good place mentally or emotionally right now. I’m mourning the loss of something I held dear, and unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My friends and the people I chat with online, can’t see or fully grasp what I am feeling – because half the time my words fail me when I try to explain. This just frustrates me more. I’m insecure and lonely of late. This doesn’t bode well for me – and isn’t who I am normally – and from there it spirals down.
But today the sun is shining, even if the weatherman says snow……

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Sunday, 4 December, 2011

Sometimes when we are in turmoil, we struggle to justify our own faults – real or imagined – by judging the actions or words of others based upon our own emotional state. Sometimes we are judged by others based upon their subjective perceptions of us. When either happened, ultimately, we both loose. Just saying.

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Saturday, 3 December, 2011

The process of Healing from something which occurs in our lives can be exceptionally difficult. My recent experiences show that all too clearly. One is left wondering what one did wrong, or what we could have done to avoid it in the first place. So many factors come into play.
At first one usually experiences shock - the surprise that this has occurred.  The first thing that comes into ones mind is “why?” – and then it begins. The heart races, and the body goes numb, sometimes trembling, and we get the “fight or flight” response. We may cry, or enter into a depression or we may simply try and be “strong” – sometimes because we have to – especially if this discovery is made in a public place – which is what my recent experience was.
Only once I was alone did the sorrow really kick in. And I was alone for 4 days after that – disconnected from the world by lack of phone and internet. I floundered about – sometimes absolutely fine, sometimes an emotional wreck. I tried to think through the fog of my stressful work period to discover what  I had done that was so aggrevious to cause what I was now being forced to go through. That didn’t help – and provided no answers for me.
I tried to reach out to people around me – but they didn’t understand – and they couldn’t – the immense pain I felt. I held off as long as I could, and then wrote a message to the person in question – agonizing over my choices of words and their implications, clutching at the straws I hoped could in some way at least hold together even a small part of what was lost. My words were met with judgment, anger perhaps even resentment. And the response only hurt more, and left me feeling more confused, panicked and upset.
Again I searched for answers. I reached out to friends, and mutual friends, who could provide little comfort or answers I needed. A family member suggested getting angry – and I tried – and found that I could be, but it hurt because I felt my anger was so unwarranted at someone I had cared about so deeply, who seemed to be acting so very out of character. I didn’t understand. I went through periods of immense strength where I was “fine” and then panic attacks – to the point of blacking out when severe – and everything in between.
Finally I had to reach out again and ask a direct question: Why? And I agonized over the wording, trying to remove anything which could be construed as emotional blackmail or attempts to hurt, etc. I spent hours editing, re-writing and rethinking what I said, and sent the email off – only to realize several hours later, I hadn’t actually asked the question. So when I did, I had hoped that he would spend an equally long time with his response. It appeared that e hadn’t when it arrived.
And while I don’t think he intended to hurt me in his response (one always hopes people have the best intentions) I was hurt by some of his remarks. But – I knew I had asked for it, and accepted that that pain would be part of the healing. I was simply angered more at his lack of objectivity to my situation throughout the past weeks, especially those weeks before the “break up”. And it made me realize that he was possibly not the person I thought he was.  I was angry – and I lashed out in my rather terse blog post (below), and im not deleting it - it is how I was feeling at that point. There was actually way more to it – which I edited out, and cant be bothered to revisit, but simply writing things that he will never see helped me immensely.
And now I have closure. And in hindsight, I am truly saddened to have lost this guy. It was fun while it lasted. I never misrepresented myself, or claimed to be anything I am not, and I don’t know if he did. I only know what MY experience was like – During our relationship – and the weeks since.  I have forgiven him – and more importantly, now I have forgiven myself.
I mourn the loss of contact with him. He was, and is, a vibrant, confident, funny young man, who has had experiences in his life no one that age should ever have had to go through.  He made me laugh, and feel alive, and made me feel younger, and even gave me new things to hope for in life. And I miss his smile and cheeky grin, and h is wonderful perspective on many subjects.
He messaged to say he had read my previous blog post. That was unexpected, honestly, and I then felt bad that he had read such angry words from me. Perhaps he didn’t deserve them. Perhaps he did. Perhaps reading that he got a glimpse of what I went through during this. Perhaps not. I do hope that those words, which were hateful at times, are not the ones he remembers me by. Because I’ve now chosen to look at what was good between us. To remember his smile and his laughter fondly, and to focus on the good we had together, and not the bad, hurtful and unpleasantness of the last weeks.
So if he reads this, I hope he knows I will still be here, as I was in the beginning, for support and distraction and caring and friendship and companionship – because ultimately, I support those who deserve it, and he certainly does. Even if he doesn’t need or want it in person, he will always be supported and cared about by me. And if he doesn’t that’s ok too. He will always have a place in my heart – even if right now that spot is slightly bruised and swollen still – its healing, and its stronger than it was just a few days ago.
This sadness will diminish, I hope, but I know it will never disappear.

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Thursday, 1 December, 2011

Im often astounded at, and disappointed in people. Perhaps I am too harsh – or too – different from others.  Perhaps I just expect too much. In recent months and weeks, I have seen how people misrepresent themselves, or change on a dime to suit their own selfish needs and desires. No respect or thought is put into how ones decisions will affect those around them. People flake, they lie, they say they will say do one thing and do another. Perhaps integrity is lacking too.
Respect is a big thing for me. I come across dozens of people daily who have none. Respecting someone is something which I grew up with, I guess, many people now don’t have that background. I get barraged on occasion by people trying to dominate me – something which is truly rare, for the record – and I don’t respond well to the lack of respect for me as a person shown at all.
I think this reflects on how I am with most subs with whom I interact. I believe in mutal respect. Its great to imagine being forced to do XYZ for these subs, but reality is this. When a sub gives himself to a Dom for play or – well for anything – that Dom is completely responsible for that sub in every way. This means – their physical, mental, spiritual and emotional well-being. I can tell you how many horror stories I hear from Subs… and often all one has to do is check the internet for stories of subs who “accidentally” died during play….
A sub is submissive, but not just an object. They are a life, they have a soul and desires, and dreams and sometimes history and baggage, and it’s fun for them to pretend it’s not there sometimes - I get that – but ultimately, a good Dom will take care of that, and ensure the sub is healthy in all aspects of his life.
Integrity is definitely something I have observed that, generally, is severely lacking in the gay world. It must be my upbringing, again, but most people don’t understand the word, and certainly don’t display it as a trait.  Integrity to me means being a man of your Word, following through on what you promise, having strong moral principles and ethics.
If one pretends to have integrity – one already doesn’t. Playing with a persons heart and emotions or lifting their expectations and proving them hope with no follow through and hope is soul destroying.  Its just stringing them along until something better comes up for you. Its playing with their future too – they build trust in you – only to be left and scarred for life by finding out you were, fundamentally, lying to them. Rebuilding trust with anyone after one experiences this is pretty much a futile effort. Those scars never go away – that is why they are called SCARS.
I’m not a perfect man – far from it, but I know I have integrity, and respect especially in my dealings with people. I am not unique in this, there are some people with whom I have contact who also display these traits, and for their friendship, kinship and support, I am ever grateful. We seem to be a dying breed in a world of chaos.

Suplimental Post:

Well today I discovered I made a serious error in judgment, and entrusted something which was really precious to me to someone who couldn’t possibly ever reciprocate - my heart. I let down my defenses, and I opened up and let this person into my heart and soul – at a time when I was completely vulnerable and in need of someone to lift me up.
For a while it was wonderful. We talked, and shared and bonded. He came to visit and we had a wonderful week together. He went home and things started going awry. He visited other places, and we talked less frequently. He started questioning our relationship and how it was going to work over a distance, and his phone conversations were shorter and less involved. And then the final pieces – I moved. And in moving, I lost communication at home for almost 6 weeks.
The only place I could communicate to or with him was at the theatre where I do some shows. So our communication was brief, pressured, and never truly private and – as one does when one is in any form of relationship with someone – I would fill him in on all the sordid details which befall community theatre during tech week.
A week after the show was over (October 29th), we had a concert, and I worked bar, and had a chat with him on the phone. The next day, there was an email from him dumping me. No reason- just dumping, removing as a friend etc, etc, etc. I was somewhat devastated, but, as I was at the theatre, I held back and controlled myself until I got home, and then fell apart. There was, for the first time ever, a physical pain associated with this break up. Having no communication with the outside world truly didn’t help.
When I finally could communicate again – I didn’t want to – I wanted to fade into obscurity and not ever come out again. I tried to find reason – I tried to get better – but all it did was make things worse. Because I didn’t understand the WHY. The cruelty he had displayed was – excessive – and – I felt uncharacteristic. On the 10th of November, I couldn’t help myself, and emailed – trying to get some perspective on the entire thing. Instead I got a terse, angry response, which simply left more questions than anything else.
I tried to not let it affect me. How could he be so callous, and cruel and cold after being so tender, loving and kind? What heinous thing had I committed against him that had caused him to hate me so clearly? I agonized, and spent days unable to do anything – in physical and emotional pain – at what was unprovoked anger and hatred.
After 3 weeks, (today, 1 December), I could contain myself no longer. I had to get the why from him, regardless of how it felt knowing. So I agonized over an email and sent it off – only to have him misunderstand and say I hadn’t asked anything – so I sent a direct question - Simply: Why did you break up with me, and why did the friendship have to stop?
I was of course, apprehensive and worried about what the response would be. It finally arrived, and then things fell entirely into place. His response said that I was too needy. That I was too negative over the time I was out of regular communication. And then it hit me. People use the words "too needy" when they aren't willing to put into a relationship what they want out of it. And here I was happy to dedicate myself to someone who, ultimately – is selfish and arrogant. It became all about him. He wasn’t getting what he needed from me while I was secluded and isolated from the world.  He used me when he needed the support and when I was able to make him feel better and loved and cared for – and then – when he found I wasn’t around to fawn over him 24/7 – dumped me, and blamed me.
It’s sad – I liked him. I liked him a lot, actually, or this pain wouldn’t have been so real. I was prepared to give up anything for him. But – well – lesson learned. People are not who they appear to be. And only when the cards are against them do we get to see their true colors.
Now the hardest part for me is stopping caring what happens to that person – but – I have done it before – and will continue to do so. This bump in the road showed me something about myself that I didn’t know until now. Someone who can’t accept me for who I am at all the phases I go through – doesn’t deserve me at the best of my phases. So to him I say: fuck you, for trying to make me feel like I failed to meet YOUR expectations of me. I opened up to you honestly, and you misused that honesty and openness and tried to turn it on me. I’m a better person now for not knowing you. Because being in a relationship means MUTUAL care and love, and consideration for the other – in the darkest and best moments, not just running for the hills when your supporter is in need of support.
So what have I learned? I deserve better, much better.

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Friday, 11 November, 2011

Well its been a long time since I did this – and I know it way overdue, and I’m a bad bear and so on and so forth, but here is a blog post for the day.
Firstly, I’ve moved. This was a length and laborious task, but now I have my own space, and I am truly loving it. In the move, sadly, an almighty mess up with my ISP caused me to have no internet access for close on 6 weeks. That alone was hell. And many things changed in my personal life because of it, but I’m not going to go into that now. Suffice it to say I am now settled and back online, and moving on.

On an exciting front, I have spent a great deal of time designing some official JohnnyNaughty merchandise which is available on the store page of the webpage. I believe the prices to be very reasonable, and I know the quality of the product is excellent. Check it out – as more stuff becomes available, I will add it to the store.

I will shortly be adding a new Youtube video, as well as some new clips to the CLIP STORE, and have started working on a DVD project which is kind of hard to judge if there is a market for – so I am creating a POLL on my YAHOO GROUP. If you aren’t a member, please feel free to sign up, its where I post when I make updates etc too.

Of course, I still have Twitter, and Facebook available, and a range of instant messengers. To see all the ways to contact or follow me, click HERE.

Often we are faced with situations we aren’t comfortable in. It can take real courage to say something about it, and some people never do. Often the discomfort is caused when the fantasy is in danger of becoming a reality.  I have noticed, and im sure many of you have experienced this, that a guy is all gung ho to hook up with you or meet you, until the last minute – then suddenly he either drops off the face of the earth, doesn’t show up, or comes up with some form of excuse. It’s a pet peeve of mine, but I have had to come to the realization that it is just how gay men seem to be. Its easier to flake than it is to man up and say “I’m sorry, the reality Is too hard for me to handle”.

The saddest part of that is if one doesn’t grasp every opportunity when it arises, we miss out on so much. And its not just hook-ups – its in every day life. Take a chance – you may discover something which you have been missing within you – or a new friend, a new lover, a new outlook on life. Sometimes it doesn’t work out, I get that. Sometimes we end up devastated and hurt by people we believe in. And that sucks – but we become stronger to the experience, and sometimes richer for having known that person, however briefly, even if it doesn’t end well. Because that is better than living with the regret of what could have been if only……   isn’t it?


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